 In a world that often tells us to push harder, hold tighter, and control everything around us, the idea of surrender can feel counterintuitive. We’re taught that letting go is a sign of weakness, but in reality, surrender is an art — a powerful tool that allows us to move beyond the stories our ego creates to find true peace and healing.
Understanding Ego Stories and How They Keep Us Bound: Our ego is a master storyteller, spinning narratives about who we are, what we deserve, and what we must protect ourselves from. These stories often come from past experiences and are shaped by our fears, insecurities, and traumas. The ego’s stories might tell us that we need to be perfect to be loved, that we must always be on guard to stay safe, or that we have to hold on to hurt to prove a point or protect ourselves from future pain. These stories keep us bound in a loop, creating patterns that add unnecessary stress to our lives. We stay in toxic relationships, remain in unfulfilling jobs, or perpetuate self-destructive behaviors because our ego convinces us that this is the way to survive. Instead of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable or to release what no longer serves us, we grip tighter, believing that control equals safety. The Weight of Ego Stories: Stress, Depression, and Anxiety When we are bound by our ego stories, we are constantly in a state of vigilance. Our minds are always scanning for threats, replaying old hurts, or anticipating future ones. This heightened state of alertness leads to chronic stress. When the body is in a prolonged state of stress, it affects not just the mind but the entire system — our hormones, our digestion, our immune response. It can lead to physical symptoms like headaches, fatigue, and digestive issues, but it also significantly impacts mental health. The stories our ego tells us are often rooted in fear and lack. They create a cycle of negative self-talk, self-doubt, and worry that can increase the likelihood of depression and anxiety. When we believe we are not enough or that we must constantly defend ourselves from perceived threats, we close ourselves off from the experiences and connections that bring us joy, peace, and fulfillment. The Power of Surrender as a Tool of Support What if the way to freedom isn’t in holding on tighter but in letting go? What if the art of surrender could provide more support and healing than any ego-driven strategy ever could? Surrender does not mean giving up or being passive; rather, it is an active choice to release the ego’s stories and to trust in something greater — whether that is the flow of life, your own inner wisdom, or a higher power. Here’s how surrender can be a powerful tool for moving beyond the constraints of the ego:
Surrender is not a one-time event; it is a daily practice, an art form that requires patience, self-awareness, and courage. It asks us to trust in the unknown, to release our grip on the stories that no longer serve us, and to step into a space of openness and possibility. The magic of surrender lies in the freedom it offers — the freedom to live without the weight of the ego’s stories, the freedom to experience life fully, and the freedom to be your authentic self. When we surrender, we don’t lose control; we gain clarity, peace, and a deeper connection to our true selves. It may not be easy, but it is worth it. The art of surrender is an invitation to lay down the burdens of the past and the fears of the future and to embrace the present moment with grace, curiosity, and trust.
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 As Black women, we carry an incredible amount of strength and resilience. However, we can be so used to managing daily stressors that we do not know when things are intense or when we need to increase how we are caring for ourselves. Our bodies bear the brunt of our stress, and even when we are not paying attention, it will manifest in physical symptoms that can sometimes be overlooked or misinterpreted. Here are five common physical signs of stress and a simple, daily somatic technique to help you de-stress in less than five minutes. 1. Inflammation in the Joints Chronic stress can trigger inflammation in the body, often showing up as pain or swelling in the joints. This can be particularly distressing for those of us with busy lives, making it difficult to move with ease and comfort. Pay attention to persistent joint pain. This is particularly the case when you do not have an explanation for the pain. However, even if you know it is an old or new injury, Eastern Medicine makes us aware that accidents and flare ups from past accidents are still a manifestation of emotional challenges that the body is holding. 2. Changes in Appetite Stress can significantly impact our appetite, leading to changes that might seem puzzling. You may find yourself eating more than usual or losing your appetite altogether. This fluctuation is the body’s response to stress hormones and can affect your overall well-being. Being mindful of these changes can help you identify stressors early and manage them effectively. 3. Positioning of Shoulders Have you ever noticed your shoulders creeping up towards your ears? This is a common physical reaction to stress. When we are stressed, our muscles tend to tense up, especially in the neck and shoulders. This constant tension can lead to discomfort and even pain, making it essential to regularly check in with your body and consciously relax these muscles. 4. Jaw Pain and Teeth Grinding Jaw pain, particularly from grinding your teeth at night (bruxism), is another telltale sign of stress. This subconscious habit can lead to significant discomfort and even dental issues over time. If you wake up with a sore jaw or notice your teeth are more sensitive, it might be worth exploring stress reduction techniques to ease this physical manifestation of stress. 5. Migraine Headaches Migraines are a common but debilitating symptom of stress. They can strike without warning, causing intense pain, sensitivity to light, and nausea. For Black women, who often navigate multiple stressors daily, understanding the link between stress and migraines is crucial. Recognizing the early signs of a migraine can help you take preventive measures and reduce their frequency and severity. A Simple Somatic Technique: The 5-Minute Body Scan Incorporating a somatic practice into your daily routine can make a world of difference in managing stress. Here’s a quick and effective technique you can use: 1. Find a Quiet Space: Sit or lie down in a comfortable position where you won’t be disturbed. 2. Close Your Eyes and Breathe Deeply: Take a few deep breaths, inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth. 3. Start from the Bottom: Begin by focusing on your toes and slowly move up to the crown of your head. As you scan each part of your body, notice any tension or discomfort. 4. Release Tension: As you identify areas of tension, consciously relax those muscles. Imagine the stress melting away with each exhale. You may do this with a deep breath, or intentionally tensing the area and then releasing it 3 times. 5. Finish with Affirmation: End your body scan with a positive affirmation. Remind yourself that you are worthy of peace and relaxation. Remember, the most effective affirmations are those that you can connect to. They focus on you. Statements that begin with I am, I will, I can, I am working towards are affirming and support the connection to the affirmation. Taking just a few minutes each day to connect with your body can help alleviate physical symptoms of stress and promote overall well-being. Remember, your body is a temple, and it deserves care and attention, especially in times of stress.  We all have experienced it. You are having a good day, you wake up smiling, you have a pep in your step, you feel positive and then all of a sudden you enter a room where several people are down, anxious and/or angry and now your mood has changed. You don’t even know why YOU feel different, you may not even be sure why THEY feel different. All you know is that it has impacted you.
This is called emotional contagion. Emotional contagion is when we are impacted by the experiences of those around us. It happens in subtle ways when someone smiles at you and then you instantly smile back. Or when someone looks at you and you want to stare back. When someone’s frown, makes your smile feel out of place so you change your behavior. When you are in an environment where multiple people are exhibiting the same behaviors or having similar emotional states your emotional state is even more likely to mimic theirs. Emotional contagion is 1 biological aspect of empathy. It is necessary for how our brains function and the development of emotional connection in community. However, when the world feels like it is disarray, it can feel like your life is also in despair, no matter how good you have it. I don’t know about you, but many of the people I serve are currently feeling like their lives are in disarray and while there are certainly many changes, for many the feeling is simply the weight of world reflected in their bodies - mass emotional contagion. With all that we are facing in the social and political landscape, it feels like we are inundated with images, thoughts and realities that are not only disturbing but that we can do little about. It is easy to feel helpless. Since the feeling of helplessness is one that triggers trauma states, I am witnessing many people engage in trauma reactions right now - disassociation, needing additional rest, feeling confused, wanting to please others, seeking endless distractions. We are witnessing so much trauma that many are feeling a fear that has nothing to do with them and are triggered in ways that leave them feeling numb, disconnected and despondent. It is absolutely okay to feel deeply and be aware of what is going on in the world, but what you may not be doing enough of is caring for yourself through the experience. I know, I know a lot of you HATE when I say that, because it sounds so mundane. But in truth care is simple, effective, helpful to address the biological impact of the experiences you are having. Care restores the nervous system's capacity to manage life as it is happening now. It allows you to engage in healthy ways to address the pain and to be able to engage in effective tools, not just for your body but also to get creative enough to make appropriate changes for your life. Care is truly the secret to resilience and joy when everything and everyone around you feels like it is falling apart. Here are 5 things you can do to care for yourself and support you in a mood shift.
"I really did not conceptualize rest as my friend." I know it's been a while since you've heard from me. I've been learning to master a few things...but really my primary new fun thing to do is...nothing. I come from a family of hard workers. Work, and the fruit of your efforts, was prioritized in me growing up. I realized recently I've been working since middle school. Before I could be employed, I was volunteering for credits or just to be outside of the home. I got my first internship at a local court house when I was 15, worked at Smith Barney when I was 16, and took extra classes while volunteering until I graduated. In college I worked as much as I could and that meant 1 security job working full time hours and another part time job while making mostly A's and B's and taking more than a full course load. After school I've worked up to 4 jobs at 1 time, while being a mom, a partner and every thing to every one who I perceived needed me. I really did not conceptualize rest as my friend. Even family outings meant I needed to do SOMETHING. I always had a book, I was always planning something, always looking for ways "to do." I remember going on an outing with my aunt's church 2 years ago and asking what was there to do at the park. Her response, rest and enjoy each other, seemed so foreign. But I went anyway. Although I really enjoyed myself I don't think I mastered the art of rest until recently. As the days are warmer I find myself outside. You see, I'm fortunate enough to have a home with a large lawn. Although not blessed with a backyard, my lawn is rather big as my home sits on a corner lot. I have found myself on the lawn under the sun just laying there. Recently, I visited Georgia and discovered my love of sitting on the porch and watching the rain. I've found myself wondering how I can do this? When did this happen? "I always had a book, I was always planning something, always looking for ways to do." As I traced my trajectory with rest, I realized that working and business were attached to my traumatic experiences and what they taught me about my thoughts and needs. I didn't feel that my thoughts or body were safe to be in. Somehow I thought my brain would catch up with me and destroy it all. If I sat down long enough I'd get behind, I'd be sad, I'd get angry, my body would need something. Sitting with myself became a betrayal of the denial I thought I needed to stay safe and be well. In addition, my incessant work ethic is really rooted in my need to take care of myself and need to learn to trust that rest does not limit my ability to care for myself. In fact, it ensures that I'm caring for myself in ALL ways. In my healing journey, I started to understand that my thoughts and feelings were information to be used to help me. With meditation I could sit with them and get curious. The curiosity taught me what I needed and stillness gave me permission to consider opportunities to give it to myself. I've also learned that rest is one of THE ways I take care of myself best, freeing me to do things I enjoy, but also to rejuvenate my mind and my spirit. "In my healing journey, I started to understand that my thoughts and feelings were information to be used to help me." So...that's where I've been more often: still, and curious. I've done it in the bed, in the tub, on the office floor, bedroom floor, my car, daybed and more recently...on the front lawn, laying in the sun. Giving myself permission to feel, to connect to my thoughts, to release what I can and to focus on being well.
If you are struggling with rest, think about why you think you need to stay moving, thinking or doing. What would life be like if you could rest and release those fears? Virtual Hugs, Melissa Here, I want to teach you something: fear is here to help you, but it can also hurt you. FEAR! Many people are feeling it right now and there are many people who feel it often. Some people feel a version of fear everyday, if they are engaged in healing they have learned to understand their fears and engage with tools to manage them when they show up. Right now there are many people who are afraid of the COVID-19 aka Corona virus. If you are not concerned about getting ill, you may be concerned about your income, your travel plans or your loved ones. On the other hand, there are those who are too appalled at fear that they rebuke it. The assumption is that by simply ignoring your fears you can get over them and be “okay.” Here, I want to teach you something: fear is here to help you, but it can also hurt you. Learning how to access the benefits of fear while limiting the challenges that it can cause is the key to shifting what alot of us struggle with daily. Fear and Anxiety can impact our ability to trust ourselves, causing us to have challenges making decisions at times when decision making can feel crucial. Fear is defined as an “unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger.” Fear is a belief that feels real. When we have fear it typically shows up with its friend anxiety. Anxiety moves with an energy that can involve rapid circular thoughts of impending harm, hypervigilance around ways that we must keep ourselves safe,and some changes in mood (irritability, sadness, etc.). Fear and Anxiety can impact our ability to trust ourselves, causing us to have challenges making decisions at times when decision making can feel crucial. These thoughts and feelings can feel like they are taking up a considerable amount of brain and emotional space, which can lead to physical symptoms like fatigue and general feelings of tiredness. In some cases chest pains, sweating and dry mouth, blurred vision, headaches are also symptoms of fear and anxiety. It would seem that we don’t want to feel the feeling so much that we welcome the anxiety to tell us the things that we need to do so that we do not feel the fear. Most of us despise the impact of fear, so much so that we fear it (ironic huh?). It would seem that we don’t want to feel the feeling so much that we welcome the anxiety to tell us the things that we need to do so that we do not feel the fear. In fact, welcoming (or staying in) periods of anxiety simply perpetuate and fuel the fear, making way for more intense periods with anxiety and the cycle continues. The truth is that fear and some anxiety help us. Fear signals for us things that we want to pay attention to. If we are afraid of the ending of a relationship, we know that that relationship is important and has value. It would be a clue to look at the situation and pay attention to what you can do to prevent it from ending. When we are afraid to feel the fear, we “stuff” or suppress it and tell ourselves that we are wrong, overlooking clues to address needed situations. Sometimes we walk on the proverbial “egg shell” not paying attention to what matters to us, which can cause us to create the very things that we fear. ...it is even more crucial that we are intentional about the TYPES of information we are in taking and the FREQUENCY... For many of us our fear of what will happen with regards to the COVID-19 or the coronavirus has us believing that we need to understand all that we can about it (anxiety). While understanding information and being informed during this time is pertinent it is even more crucial that we are intentional about the TYPES of information we are in taking and the FREQUENCY with which we are gathering the information. If you sit in the anxiety and allow it to dictate your choices too long it can be counterproductive to your wellness and enhance the fear/anxiety cycle. Here are 4 steps to use your fear to help you instead of allowing it hurt you:
"When you begin to define yourself without the lenses of trauma, there will be a reinventing of either your whole self or parts of the self. This is necessary." A vital part of our healing process is understanding yourself. Who am I? What happened to help me become this way? What are the things that I like; What are the things I don't? What are the things that I want to change? What things am I choosing to stay the same? All of these questions come into your mind during your journey and the answers come as you do the work of healing. When you begin to define yourself without the lenses of trauma, there will be a reinventing of either your whole self or parts of the self. This is necessary. You begin the work of understanding why you make the choices that you make and, hopefully, identify the origins of your behaviors so that you can make different choices. These questions and shifts you are making create changes in you. As you create changes, you will see differences in your relationships and as the relationships change you will likely need to reimagine your role in your relationships. Sometimes the relationships are grounded in our need for survival and the connections give us something we think we need. This is the hardest part. The relationships we have, typically, serve us for a reason. Sometimes the relationships are grounded in our need for survival and the connections give us something we think we need. Maybe it's a venting partner. Maybe it's a distraction. Maybe you engage in behavior with that person that keeps you feeling safe in a way you believe you need. One example of this, and often the relationship that we need to shift the most, is the relationship with our parents.
As I watch various people on this healing journey (clients, family, friends or colleagues) I notice that we fall into patterns with our parents that mimic the parts of ourselves that are still healing. This part of ourself is the part with the most traumatic experiences and, often the most intense visceral responses. Because, for many of us, this part of the self is stuck in the experience of trauma and many of us have significant experiences of trauma as children, we often respond to our parents in the same ways we did as children or in the ways that hurt child wished they could.  "I desired to create an energy about my life that could be linked to specific goals, but not just be about the goals. " It took me a long time to write this month’s blog because I didn’t want to be redundant. But, if my intuition is correct, many of us are making our lives more strenuous with how we establish our goals and with it being the start of the year there are so many blogs about goals. I tackled some aspects of goal setting in my last blog of 2019 and I wasn’t sure it made sense to tackle it again. But with all the vision board parties, news articles and social media posts about goals, I know my intuition is right: it’s time we reconsider how we establish our goals.
As 2019 ended, I began to consider what are my goals? What are the things that I desire to focus on for 2020? The last few years have been goal heavy: new business, grow the business to earn “X” amount each month, develop a professional community, buy a home, renovate my home, etc. Initially, I was determined to set goals that were greater than what I had achieved. As I focused on that, my anxiety increased as well as doubt about what I could do or what is possible. Being blessed enough to really say I have the majority of what I dreamed I could have a few years ago (that is within my control), I decided to take a step back in my goal setting to obtain clarity about what I wanted next. I have achieved every goal I set so I wanted to be clear going into 2020 about the things I desired and how I would achieve them. However, the more that I found myself thinking about goals, targets and benchmarks the more resistant I became to establishing concrete goals for 2020. I decided I wanted my life to take on a different feel, I wanted to be intentional about how I am living. I desired to create an energy about my life that could be linked to specific goals, but not just be about the goals.  It's December 2019 and most of us are in full planning mode. In addition to planning for our holiday, we often find ourselves thinking about this past year. Maybe you have fond memories of great experiences. Maybe you are in awe of all the goals you set and smashed. Perhaps you are establishing goals for 2020 or, like most people, thinking about what you could have done differently in 2019. Studies show that only 8 percent of the population achieve their new year resolutions. Furthermore, additional research suggests that fewer than 3 percent of the population set goals regularly. There are many articles that give concrete tips on ways to set, be consistent with and achieve goals. However, I firmly believe that most of us miss 1 thing when thinking about what we want to do and how we want to do it: our shadow. Our goals are lofty, play up to our greatest perceptions of who we want to be and negate those parts of us that we don't really like.  The holiday season brings up emotions for many of us. For some, those emotions are linked to fond memories of time spent with family. Maybe you think of food, gifts or the quality time. Maybe the holidays make you smile with excitement. For others, the holiday season feels dreadful. You are not looking forward to it, you do not have fond memories and your only excitement is the thought of it being over. No matter which reaction you have, this time of the year likely brings out your inner child and depending on what your childhood was like, you may need to take extra care of yourself in the next few months. Your inner child is the child-like part of you. The vulnerable, innocent part of you that has visceral, automatic, reactions to things that you can’t explain. It is the part of you that requires extra care and consideration. For those of us that have traumatic experiences, our inner child can be a part of us that responds to hurt. It is the part of us that sometimes feel frozen in time, with limited skills to manage challenging situations. It’s the part of you that throws tantrums, does not want to communicate what you need and recoils at the idea of the pain. It’s that part of you that does not know what to do and it seems that your logical brain has shut off. In healing work, the inner child is essential because it is the part of you that requires the most care as you seek to shift behavior patterns.
This time of the year seems to be the most sensitive time for a lot of people. We are inundated with movies, commercials, tv shows and conversations about family. The messaging and pressure of what “should be” is ever present. You “should” have good memories and traditions. You “should” have a place you call “home” and people to see. You “should” be able to give and expect gifts from others. This “should” be the most magical time of the year. PAIN. It is the number one reason why people come to therapy. Whether it is from feeling sad or anxious, remembering a traumatic experience or a heartbreak; everyone comes in to treatment wanting the pain to go away. “When will it stop?” “I never want to feel this way again!” “Why is this happening to me?” These are all common sentiments that clients express when describing what they want from therapy. My response is always the same and always met with the side eye: “what if you could welcome the pain?”  There are few things in life that are certain and the fact that you will feel pain is one of them. If you heard me on the TFBG Podcast Episode98: ‘Showing up When You Want to Lay Down,’ you will hear Dr. Joy and I talk about pain and how to use the PACT (Plan, Acknowledge, Compartmentalize, Time) method to be able to manage having painful experiences when you still have real-life responsibilities. If you haven’t heard it, check it out. In this blog, I want to give you another idea. I hope to encourage you to consider that instead of running from pain we can welcome it, understand why it shows up for us and use it to learn what we need to do to take care of ourselves.
Pain is important. Without pain we would not know when there are things that are hurting us. When you do not know what is hurting you, you will continue to engage with it until the damage that it is causing is irreparable. Let’s think about fire. One of the earliest lessons that we learn as children is that fire burns. We are told that and some of us have the experience of getting close to fire, feeling the heat or maybe even feeling a little burn and so we know not to get too close and certainly we don’t put our whole hand in it and just keep it there. |
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